New Fears

   

   I over think a lot and lately I’ve been thinking I won’t accomplish my goals. I feel like its going to take so much time and a lot of hard work. I know I am fully capable of accomplishing my goals. I just let other things get in my way sometimes. I fear that I won’t succeed. I really want to finish school and make my mother proud of me. Finishing school will make me so happy. I never really had good accomplishments in school. I barely made it out of high school.

    I remember when I was in high school, I had one teacher that pushed me. I didn’t have anyone else helping me. My mom hardly mentioned school. She just woke me up everyday and brought me there. I had a few teachers telling me I wouldn’t make it far. I never had much help. School never was a big deal for me until now. If I had a college degree, I’d be alright. I don’t think I’d struggle so much and I know for sure I wouldn’t be working in a post office as a seasonal- temp. That’s my story though and my life. I have to deal with it and get myself away from these thinks. I need to push all of my fears aside and focus on the obstacle of finishing.

      The fear of not succeeding puts a stress on me, I need to become a nurse to take better care of my son. I sometimes fear I’ll give up. I rarely finish little things like, putting together a photo book or finishing a scarf I’m knitting. I want to get a degree. At least an associate’s. Once I reach this goal, I’ll aim for another. I’ll prove a lot to myself. I don’t want to be stuck in this dead end job I have. Its hard to live off this pay. The older my son gets, the more money I spend. I’m going to push harder for him, this will help control my fears and anxieties.I want to look back at this post and say. “That was the old me." I feel very weak right now because I don’t have much of an education but I know I’ll get there. I’ll be so much better, everyone has to start somewhere.

 

 

 

 Throughout these years, I'm facing my fears
 I'm switching my gears and I'm pulling my hair.
 The stress, the game,
 am I almost there?
- Feel like,
its a game of dare. Do I even belong here?
 So , I sit and think about the path that  I take,
about the cash I make, Feel like I'm going to break.
 I have to keep it together, gotta act more clever
Its getting heavy like snow in cold weather.
Christmas is coming, have to put gifts under the tree. I have a baby to feed.
I have to reach this dream. I'll do it alone
I don't need no team. I'mma do it for me.
Nothing comes in life, free.
Gotta work real hard
and reach for the stars. Keep my head in the books and my heart on the grind.
 I have to get my degree or I'll probably lose my mind.
 I have to do it for me, I have to do it for mine.
 

 

Got to be a better way.

    I'm at a place in my life where I constantly count the time. I feel like my days go by so fast and I'm running out of time. I should have accomplished more in my life. I want so much more for myself and I have to get it.

    Money holds me back a lot. I'm always thinking about making money. Most of my time goes into it. What ever free time I have, I'm trying to sell something. When I could be doing homework. I've been like this for years. I put the dollar first, then the school work. No one ever pushed me to better in school. I was told to work hard and save my money. As I get older, I see the importance of education. I will not make it out of this whole without something to stand up on. I plan to learn and grow. I promise to push myself higher. Education is on my heart. I feel its my only way out. I have to go down this path. I want to be so much better. I want to have something to fall back on and I want my mother to be proud of me. I want to be different than what I'm used to. I don't want to struggle anymore.

 
    I can do so much better and have happiness. No money can buy that. I want to work and be happy and feel secure . I need a bigger check that last longer. I'm going push and get these credits up. My grades will stick with me. I can't keep a dollar in my pocket but I pray I can keep good grades on my transcript.

 

 

 

 

When I am in the moment

Hoping, growing wishing, yearning.

I want to grow and hope to win. I wish I could grab the star that's deep within.

I’m shining bright now and ready to be,

every thing that’s meant for me. It’s in my grasp,

I almost hold

Everything I dreamed, worth more than gold.

My past, present future, all wrapped in one. One day I’m flying, one day I’m down.

I will keep trying,

Feet off the ground.

I wish for the best.

This is just a test. I will succeed and I will conquer, this road is just a quest.

I will not fail, its not in this story and when I’m done I’ll dance in my glory.

My life in this moment a big happy mess. So happy and free but what's in the rest?

I’m growing and hoping,

What will I be?

Will I still be happy? Could I still be me?

Some people lose themselves

They change and grow bitter

Will I still shine bright? I feel dripped up in glitter. I am so refreshed and ready to be

Everything I ever wanted,

a better me.

An unexpected Start

 A couple of months ago my boss told my hours will be changing and I have to learn a new trade. I had to learn how to sort mail, (by street number), to the mail carriers at the post office I work at. I'm not a regular career employee,so any day things could change for me. I was content with the way things were. I was very comfortable with my old hours I had. I liked the regular 8-5 I had. The only issue was I couldn't go to school.

At first, I was very worried, uncomfortable and the change brought a lot of stress.It was new for me. I have to be at work at 6 am now.  At work,I felt like a burden to my co-workers. I felt like I was always in the way, asking questions. I always felt like I was working too fast because the old timers are slower. I feel like the older coworkers wish I wasn't there because their jobs are being cut . I am taking some of their hours and doing work twice as fast but I don't mean to. I just like to get the work done efficiently. I'm just being an honest worker. Everyday, I tell myself I'm there for one thing, money.(Money to support my family).

At home, I had to ask my family to help with my son. This was hard for me because I like to do everything for myself. I have to have his dad drop him off. I like to drop him off and pick him up but I had to give that up. I have to depend on my mother sometimes.  Asking for help was very hard for me but I realized its okay to be helped especially by the ones who care. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to do better.

 After all, I feel like this experience has been one of the best things that happened this year. Even though its something that I was afraid of and I didn't want it. Everything is working out.I got a chance to work earlier hours and go to school, something I've been wanting to do for a long time. This experience came right on time. I've never been so ready to give my all at school. These few weeks have been amazing I'm learning a lot about myself through this class and others. I have the ability to do better. Its great. I'm so proud of the little work I've already done. I'm starting to set goals and they are mine. I will reach them.

   Alchemy and a Simple Goal

Hearty precious to my soul
 Have you ever set a goal?
 Something worthy.
 Something new, fresh or bold
Wasn't easy but I have grown.

 Looking back I see the signs
 Wasn't wasted space, just on my mind.
 Open doors and opened blinds.
  I am happy,
  it is mine.

 I'll let the world come and see
 What I want and who I'll be.
 Now it is mine and mine to keep,
 this shinning light inside of me.
Like a dream I have a woke. Like my favorite song
someone just spoke. Something worthy
Something strong
Changing, wrapped up in my mind.
 I want new life and happy times
Its in my grasp
I'm in my prime.